1. Tell your boss the reason you were late was because you fancied a sha/w**k before work.

2. Stumble back from lunch, two hours late, pissed as a fart chanting 'The Venga bus is coming........"

3. Fart out last nights vindaloo during an appraisal and turn round to sniff the seat.

4. Photocopy your tits/arse/balls and pin them on the noticeboard.

5. Ask the chief executive for some Rizlas.

6. Grow a cannabis plant on your desk.

7. Tell the boss you'll "Send the boys round" if they don't authorise your pay rise.

8. Admit you traded in your company car for a two week shag-fest in Ibiza.

9. Set up your own S&M dungeon in the stationery cupboard.

10. Bring a sleeping bag to work for those little afternoon naps.

11. Pawn your computer because you're skint till payday.

12. Ask the boss's wife "Have you noticed that one of your husbands balls hangs lower than the other".

13. Call the boss to your desk, call him "Sonny" and tell him his work isn't up to scratch.

14. Start a one-man/woman Mexican wave every time someone leaves their desk.

15. Don't bother getting up from your desk to go to the toilet, either piss yourself or shit in the bin.

16. Start w**king off in all your meetings, and call out your bosses wifes name.

17. Phone in sick, then turn up late in afternoon pissed and stoned and tell everyone in your office that you love them.

18. Fart/piss/crap in your colleagues desk drawers.

19. Set up a drinks cabinet in your desk and hold themed parties there every day.

20. Never wash, shave, put on deodorant or change your clothes.