Here's some crap I got through e-mail, not sure if their definition of a TURD BURGLAR is the same as mine though:

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in the trap. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flush you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the trap until everyone has left the bog so as to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd hits the water and is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the dump has to pressurise the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the trap, to the sink, to the door after you have just gassed up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER: A colleague who craps at work and is damned proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Dumper enter the crapper with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET DUMPER before entering the bog.

THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN): This is a group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bog somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex entering the bog.

TURD BURGLAR: A dumper who does not realise that you're in the trap and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the trap until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been known to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bog that you are in a trap This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a trap. This will remove all doubt that the trap is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bog immediately so the dumper can dump in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the pan water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bog user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the throne. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bog is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bog attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a shitter before dumping. Walk in, check for other dumpers. If there are others, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if the catch you constantly going to the bog.


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