Alright, you've seen the postcard, but what's the real deal fool. Let me kick it to you live:
As usual this trip started in the traditional disorganised nightmare fashion of all it's predecessors. After failing to contact Chesson all day, I hitched a lift to "The Smoke" with Matt and Zoe, Chesson and Manimal then phoned and agreed to meet us at "La Porchetta" (The don of restaurants). Anyway we eventually all met up well late as usual and headed off to Frasers flat. When we arrived everyone was fast asleep so we set about getting well irie and watching the E's video. We managed a hearty half an hours sleep before being forced into the freezing cold to pack the cars. The crew was divided like this:
The Dub Powered Hyundai - Me (Fat Powley), Alex "The Claw" Weller, Aussie Steve aka "The Bin" , Dave Robinson aka "Youngimal" and a reasonable selection of dub.
The BT Engineers Escort Van - Fraser "Coco the Monkey" Campbell, Manimal and everyones gear.
The Wing Commanders Nova - Wingy, Heather, Chesson and a ton of Mexican food.
Chesson was quick to adopt his heroin addict look and conversation on the way to Dover was sparce to say the leasy. Luckily the Hyundai has a pretty fat system in it, so a healthy dose of dub got us through these trying times. Other members of the crew including Mattimal and Tim had chosen to fly, which was definitely a smart move. We made it to Dover with only a few minutes to spare, we spent these minutes scrawling gay insults on each others cars. The Hyundai proudly sported the slogans:
IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE DUB GET OUT OF THE HYUNDAI
BLATANTLY TOO RECKLESS FOR OUR HYUNDAI
Weller piloted the Hyundai across France, despite having a broken wrist set in a rather camp fashion (Hence "The Claw"). I passed the time by sticking my arse right out the window at random French people.
SUB-HEADING: MANIMAL STRIKES AGAIN!
If you know Manimal you'll be aware of the fact that he often speaks eloquently on a subject that he knows nothing about and before you know it he's convinced you he's right (innevitably he is wrong). Words like "definitely" are used where "maybe" would be a more suitable choice.
The point here is that we'd made it to Lyon or somewhere, everyone was tired etc and we found a hotel. Manimal then persuaded us to drive to the base of the mountains and stay there. We expressed concern that it was a national holiday and we might have trouble getting somewhere to stay there, but Manimal won us over with the convincing argument "French people don't stay in hotels" ! I don't know wht the f**k we were thinking but we drove on, only to find no room at the inn and drive back to where we were before. This excercise took a good few hours ad cost us all a few quid. Those of the group who weren't aware of Manimals talents were less than impressed! We passed the time on this journey by taking the piss out of Manimal and making up new names for him. The ones I remember were "Ogre", "Oaf" and "The Living Soap Opera"
MORAL: IF A MANIMAL TELLS YOU SOMETHING, IGNORE IT!
SUB-HEADING: MANIMAL FREAKS OUT!
The hotel was automated, so you entered your visa card and the screen showed the keycode for your room. Everyone managed except manimal who turned away to get a pen and missed the code. He therefore paid £16.50 for a room he couldnt get into, spent half an hour walking round shouting "FUCK" and then slept on our floor. (On the way home we stayed in a similar hotel and nearly pissed ourselves when we realised there was an obvious button that enabled you to print the code out).
MORAL: DON'T SHARE A ROOM WITH A MANIMAL (NOT BECAUSE HE'LL LOSE THE CODE, BECAUSE HE SMELLS AND HE SNORES LOUD!)
We planned to get up early and get up the mountain in turn to ride that day. Needless to say, this didnt happen. We got up late, stopped at a big supermarket (I don't think Wingy believed they had them in the mountains!) and were just generally shit. We got to Tignes in the evening and had an effort to check-in, park cars etc. Matt was already there and had ridden a full day, which was a bit gutting. Our appartments were sick, so after settling in and eating, we headed out to check Tignes. This place was quieter than Sunday in a morgue! Manimal proposed a nighttime snowboard session and surprisingly managed to recruit a few suckers. I dont know if I did the right thing, but I opted to watch and therefore freeze my bollocks off.
SUB-HEADING: MANIMAL FREAKS OUT! No.2
This is a pretty standard move. John had an old fucked board with his bindings on it and a new board with no bindings. Instead of swapping them over before we left (he'd had the new board for quite a while) he opted to bring both boards. When he trid to unscrew the bindings he realised it was threaded. This lead to the second outbreak of shouting "FUCK". Luckily a combo of Steves Aussie braun and Wellers British brain saved the day.
MORAL: DON'T LEAVE THINGS TO THE LAST MINUTE, AND DON'T LEAVE THINGS TO A MANIMAL!
I went with Chesson to hire him a board and spent the morning passing on my limited wisdom on the subject of snowboarding.
SUB-HEADING: MANIMAL LOSES SOMETHING!
Manimal loses a lot of stuff, often he thinks he's lost stuff when he hasn't, but the result is the same, he shouts "FUCK" a lot. When I met up with the others at lunch they told me how Manimal had left his gloves on the first lift of the day.
MORAL: DON'T LEND THINGS TO A MANIMAL, AND IF YOU DO, GET A DEPOSIT!
In the morning everyone got up to ride except me and Dave. I got up about 11 and was going to ride with Dave but he had fallen asleep again before I'd got dressed, so I rode on my own. It was hammering down with snow and was freezing. The low point of the day occured as I headed down a black run into the village: I came round a corner and couldnt see much, next thing I know I've fallen about 8ft onto my chest and winded myself badly.
Mildly amusing incident: In the supermarket some bloke pulled this girl out of his way by her rucksack. As he was obviously a c**t we hurled verbal abuse at him and I spat on his back. When we left the shop Manimal wanted to go back and give him a kicking.
The evening was spent bowling and playing pool. Mattimal and Steve dominated. Manimal didn't hit a thing with his first 8 balls but managed a couple of strikes in the end. It was obligatory to pull out some well gay dance move after a strike, which prooved pretty amusing. Dave stayed in bed for the whole day and night. After the game I headed back, but the others had fire in their bellies and headed into the bowling alley nightclub. From what I heard Weller (who was heading home in the morning for a wrist op) went off with an amazing display of Bogling and pole dancing. He was also involved in a confrontation which spawned one of our holiday catchphrases, it went something like this:-
Euro guy: "Hey dude, have you got a smoke?"
Weller: "You know what, you can smoke my arse!"
Euro guy: "Have you got a problem?"
Weller: "No, Have you got a fuckin' problem?"
I slept in late again, so I missed the chance to ask Weller about this before he left. I rode on my on again that day which was a bit shit and in the evening we went for a meal at a very in-hospitable French restaurant.......