Armbreaker: Particularly energetic wank.

Arse Spider: Tenacious well knotted winnit that cannot be removed without bringing 8 spindly hairs with it.

Audition the finger puppets: A single-act, one man show not suitable for children.

Autograph the gusset. To allow the turtles head to sign the inside of your underpants.

Bacon strips: External female genitalia.

Beef box: A container into which sausages are put.

Benny Hill: Rhyming slang, female contraceptive.

Brown Daisy: Unpleasantly scented flower which attracts flies rather than bees.

Budgies tongue: Descriptive, the female erective bit!!

Bum Goblin: A gnarled malevolent turd that jumps out behind you casting a painful spell on your ringpiece!

B.V.H: Abbr, "Blue veined hooligan" A six inch tall, one eyed skinhead.

Chugnuts: Extremely large piles.

Cider Visor: Beer goggles for the younger drinker.

Cliterature: One handed reading material.

Cockoholic: One who is addicted to cockahol.

Conkers deep: To be in a state of deep penetration.

Cough your filthy yoghurt: Romantic expression for ejaculation.

Crunchie: A sock worn the morning after being used as a wank-mop.

Disco fanny: The full strength flavour achieved after 6 hours on a dance floor in PVC trousers.

Ditch Pig: Affectionate term for an ugly fat girl.

Frog: A formidable blast from the spunk trumpet where the ladies cheeks puff out like a bullfrogs.

Double bassing: To have sex from behind while fiddling with the ladies left nipple with one hand and her budgies tongue with the other, a position similar to the one adopted for playing the double bass, though the sound is slightly different.

Drown some kittens: To drown a litter of small stools.

Eating sushi off a barber shop floor: Cunnulingus.

Face fannies: Sideburns.

Feeding the pony: One handed feeding of a ladys toothless gibbon.

Five pinter: A very ugly woman you would only chat-up after five pints.

Fizzy gravy: Rusty water, diahorrea.

Free the tadpoles: To liberate the residents of ones wank tanks.

Fuckshitfuckshitsuckshit: The sound made when driving through to narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Funbagtastic: Exclm, may be uttered when seeing a large pair of breasts.

Grannys oysters: Elderly female genitalia.

Greyhound: Very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hairy Scallops: Furry shellfish to be eaten when bearded clams are out of season.

Hand-to-gland combat: Vigorous three minute bout of gladiatorial combat involving a spam javelin.

Heftty-clefty: Welly top, horses collar. Descriptive of a large vagina.

Lord of the pies: Salad dodger, barge arse, Danny Baker. Mexican lipstick: Embarrassing facial tide mark found after eating out lady who was up on the blocks.

Ming the merciless: Death by chocolate starfish.

Monkey bath: A bath so hot when lowering yourself in you go *Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!*.

Opera house: A large vagina, with heavy pink safety curtains.

Pie-Liner: A Femidom.

PIK: Acronym, Pig In Knickers.

Pumpers Lump: The condition of enhanced right arm muscle due to excessive wanking.

Quim Chin, Muff mouth: A bearded fellow.

Release the chocolate hostage: To liberate Richard the third.

Roy Castle*s last blow: A pathetic whimpering fart.

Starfish Trooper: An Arsestronaut*..

Tit Pants: A Bra.

Tongue Punchbag, Small man in a boat: See Budgie*s Tongue.

Two Bagger: Someone so ugly that two bags are required, one to cover their head and one to cover yours incase theirs falls off.

Up on the blocks: Monthly MOT failure due to recurring leak under the Beatle Bonnet.

Wet as an otters pocket: Descriptive as to the moistness of a ladies kipper mitten.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.