1. Kill yourself. No more food/housing costs ever again.

2. Kill someone else. Then all you food/housing costs are paid for by our lovely Govt. If you kill enough people, you may even get your own special padded room. Otherwise be prepared to share with big Vern, the psychotic, Brummy, needle stitching, Guiness drinking, rapist.

3. Kill your granny. But only if she's rich. Pointless if she's a tramp.

4. Kill someone famous. Then sell your story to the news papers, write a film script and be well famous. I'd suggest a UK celebrity due to the costs involved with travelling, when killing US / Foreign celebs. Unless they visit the UK of course.

5. Check the small ads for free pets. Use these as food on a daily basis. After all, 20 million Japanese / Koreans / any Asian country can't be wrong.

6. Kidnap your bank manager. Apparently, they tend to pay any ransom demands. I'll let you know the outcome of this on Monday. My Bank Manager was on holiday when I tried it. I'm going to have to give his assistant back soon, cos they don't pay out for them. Mind you, he's been a lot quieter since I sellotaped both his mouth AND nose shut.

7. Start your own National Lottery. Your receipts can only go up, as theirs go down. Perhaps give it a catchier name, like Fudge Packers and get Jamie 'Wank Juice Drizzler' Oliver to promote it.

8. Become an asylum seeker in Afghanistan / Slovenia / Croatia. There's too many of them here, so why not send some of our own people back. Alternatively, visit the lovely facilities across the Channel at Songat.

9. Set up a protection racket. Start small by threatening school children, before working your way up to work colleagues or if you're really adventurous, try government departments. I hear that the Health Service has just had a huge cash injection. Perfect.

10. Sell your girlfriend on the Internet. Perhaps offering both rental and ownership deals is the best way to maximise profit. Obviously if you do sell her, then you need a new one. But there's plenty of refugees (or Sidcup slags?) that'll do anything for a quick buck.