Here's a list of things that you will require on your road to Geezerdom

1. Reebok Classics - you cannot claim any Geezer status without these, must be gleaming white,gold stripes are best down to yellow or orange which are considered a bit pikey by the Geezer hierarchy.

2. Tight dark blue Levis 501's or designer jeans - a must for that casual Geezer look, pull them as tight up your arse crack as possible for extra points. Discard them after 3 washes because they'll be too faded.

3. Gold jewelry - quality doesn't matter here, what counts is size and quantity, the bigger your jewelry the more of a Geezer you are.

4. Pucka Motor - Any chunk of shit will do as long as the wheels cost more than a thousand pounds and the stereo is so loud people experience a sonic boom when you drive past. Add a sticker saying "Mission aborted, gone for a spliff" just to show that you're tough enough to smoke weed, as well as "a bit of a nutter".

5. Football Knowledge - Read every piece of shit you can find about football and memorise it word for word. Then next time you're down the pub, spout it out like you're Jimmy fuckin' Hill making sure that everyone can hear you and note what a Geezer you truly are.

6. Lying Skills - Whatever happened to you the night before always double it to increase your Geezerness. For example if you drank 8 pints tell everyone you drank 16 pints, if you had a little disagreement with a small man at the bar, tell everyone that you had a huge fight with 2 massive geezers etc. etc. (Also never admit to puking up or losing control in any way whilst drunk or you will be classed as a "MUG")

7. Ability to act "hard" - even if you are a weedy c**t who is shit scared of everyone, when you are with 20 of your biggest mates you can shout at people who are own their own, try to pick people who won't say anything clever, old people or seem a popular choice. (Remember to stop this act when you are or your own or you will get beaten shitless)

8. Strut - Although you are probably very insecure (usually penis size or sexuality) develop a walk which says "I'm the don, and I mean f**king business". The more threatened/insecure you feel the more you should exaggerate your style.

9. Slip-on shoes with big buckles - Essential for getting into most nightclubs.

10. Music knowledge - House and UK garage are the only acceptabe choice. Anything with real instruments in it should be described as "heavy metal shit" whilst out with your mates, even though you can't wait to get home and listen to the shitty new Oasis album. The gayer and more irritating the vocals the better it is, although once it gets in the charts you must stop listening to it, but everytime it comes on claim that you had it on import or white label 3 years ago. Also if you can blag that you're a DJ you'll score a lot of extra geezer points.

11. Shirts - Try to wear a smart shirt at all times, pastels, bright orange or lime green are favourite colours. Fake designer labels to aim for are Ralph Lauren, Versace, Calvin Klein.

12. Baseball cap - This must be white/cream/light grey. Should be slightly too small for you. Worn perched on the back of your head to let your gay hairstyle show.


More soon.


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