If Star Wars Was Set In Essex....

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Basildon and called Spanner. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport either a West Ham or England top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Cocker by his mates. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing, or urinate on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of young kids at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted and/or dumped in front of a speeding train and/or set on fire.

Darth Vader would referred to as 'Elmit Head' or in moments of stress 'that dome-edded cunt'.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from Essex said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a knacker-faced poof from Rayleigh.

The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a TOT2000 sticker in the back window and a St. George's Cross SUN SUPPORTS OUR BOYS bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5-inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be to alter its orbit so it passed through Southend, tell the locals it was full of Northern Wankers and leave it unattended in the Seaway car park. Or you could convert it into a huge Takeaway.

Lines from the film as they would be now uttered in the Essex:-


Han Solo - 'I've got a real bad feeling about this'

Translation: 'Shit, I'm cunt-faced. I think I should go home before I get in a fight'


'Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around.'

Translation 'Come on you facking bastards, al 'ave the lot of yer'


'Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at >your side, kid.'

Translation 'Bugger the mumbo - wot I needs is me baseball bat and several facking sharp knifes'


Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker - 'The Force is strong in this one'

Translation 'You're a facking hard Bastard '


'This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade.'

Translation 'We knackered in this Capri'

Admiral Motti - 'Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader.'

Translation 'You think you're that hard, you Northern Fat Fuck Face BASTARD'


Luke to the Emperor -'Your overconfidence is your weakness.'

Translation 'You fink you're well 'ard dunch ya'




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