Blowjob Etiquette: (Written by a woman)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it's not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Do not push on the top of my head unless you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "Hummer Week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls, if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good, and I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".


Blowjob Etiquette: (Man's response)

1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth.... because you won't have any.

6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterward.

7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.

8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

11. Play with the balls.

12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.

15. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for someaction, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".)

16. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?


Leave the thinking to us, okay!


Thanks to Mattimal for sending this to me.


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