The determination of the amount of pints required to have sex with a not the best female
C.Williams, J. Naylor, M. Hatcher and S. Roberts, University of Wales Swansea, Singleton Park, Swansea. SA2 8PP.
ABSTRACT This report will look at the determination of the number of pints required to do a munter. Initially we shall be looking at the types of females that are around and determining the types that can be regarded as stinking This report will follow on to use mathematical models to help determine the amount of pints required for an arbitrary male for him to succumb to the wrath of a minger.
INTRODUCTION This report is about the amount of fermented vegetable drinks required for consumption before a homosapien male is consciously willing to partake in a mating ritual with a homosapien female with defective attributes. Examples of these attributes include having big bones, having hair of a golden colour or having mammary glands of a small nature. One shall start this report by looking at the different types of females that are around. The first assumption to be made was by Williams^{1} _{}(1997) who stated that the fitness of the women around is normally distributed with mean 6 and standard deviation of 2. This is represented in diagrammatic form in figure 1.
figure 1
As we can see from figure 1, there are many females that are average, yet there are only a few really good and few really bad ones. A corollary of this theorem was given by Naylor et al^{2}, who stated that one males frame of reference of one female being fit^{*} is different to another males with respect to the pint and gagging for a shag (GFS) variables.
ACCESSIBILITY FUNCTION The accessibility to the homosapien females reproductive organs is sometimes an easy path yet sometimes a hard path. Ward gives the following result in this area: MINGE ACCESSIBILITY µ GRIMNESS This means that if the female in question is of high grimness then her minge accessibility will be easy. Conversely, if a female has hard accessibility then there is a high probability that the aforementioned female is attractive. The graph for this is given in figure 2. figure 2
ACCESSIBILITY This graph is not very rigid though as there are many outliers to this theorem. For example, there are many girls of a high grimness factor who regard themselves as having a low grimness factor, hence they make their minge accessibility rating hard whereas it should be easy. Further studies in this area have been done by Roberts^{3}.
CALCULATING THE GRIMNESS OF A FEMALE Hatcher et al^{4} produced a law to find out the grimness of any female. This is as follows: HATCHERS LAW The total quality of a female can be found by using the following formula: TOTAL QUALITY = a TITS +b BODY +c FACE + d PERSONALITY a +b +c +d GRIMNESS =10  TOTAL QUALITY As all males are different, the person conducting the study puts in how important they regard each of the four aspects of a female. I.e. if they regard tits to be twice as important as everything else then a =2, b =1, c =1, d =1. The point score for each of the aspect is within the range of 1 to 10. This law gives us our value for the grimness factor variable.
WHETHER OR NOT SHE WOULD GET IT Before deciding on how much alcohol is required for this unity of two bodies, one thought must be processed. What happens if the female would get a portion regardless of alcohol? This problem has been overcome by Naylors Sober Theorem. This theorem is as follows:
WOULD THE FEMALE if no go to Pint factor equation GET IT IF YOU WERE SOBER? If yes then pints = 0
DETERMINATION OF PINT FACTOR FOR UNFIT WOMEN Williams^{1} gives the following formula to calculate the pint consumption required to be willing to fornicate with a scrubber.
WILLIAMSS PINT FACTOR EQUATION
REQUIRED PINTS TO SHAG = 2(10GP)B GFS+W where G = Grimness (1 TO 10) P = Presentation (1 TO 10) B = Bike constant (1 = Lady, 2 = Bike) GFS = Gagging for a shag (1 TO 10) W = Temperature (1 TO10) In general if REQUIRED PINT TO SHAG >15 = NON SHAG SATURATION REGION CONCLUSION Even though this study is quite thorough there are still many different aspects that need to be considered. These include religion factor, virgin factor and snootiness factor. The equations given in this report are quite well defined but due to the randomness and unpredictability of females, mathematical modelling might not give the best results all of the time. REFERENCES
