You can forget guns and knives, the primary 'tool' in Sidcup is the ashtray. The way of the ashtray is one of the lesser known martial arts, originated in Japan on a Friday night by some Ninja's who were engaged in a heated debate (the subject of which is not known, some say they were discussing football, some say that one looked at the other ones bird) when one of them grabbed the nearest object and smacked the other one across the bridge of the nose whilst screaming the battle cry "fuckin' ave that you slag!". Today the art is still practiced in many areas of the country but the recognised seat of learning for young ashtrayers is considered to be Sidcup. You start at about thirteen years old by training in Sidcup McDonalds with the lightweight tinfoil practice ashtrays, once you have this mastered (as well as being able to kill someone from 100m with a bit of chewed up paper fired from a straw) you are ready to complete your training in the further education establishment known in local myth and legend as "Ye Olde Black Horse Public House" (or "YOB" for short. On completion of your apprenticeship under the watchful eye of "Mental" Dave you are ready to take your seat at the bar of the Iron Horse with the rest of the grand masters of the ashtray. It is then your holy duty to share with the younger generation your tales of how you took on 30 big geezers with just your favorite glass ashtray for protection. These stories must be punctuated with as many mentions of the word "cunt" as possible and the people you were fighting must always have been "huge fuckin' geezers, built like fuckin' brick shit 'ouses, ya cunt ". To uphold the ancient tradition the story must always end with one of the following lines:

"He fucking won't look at me again like that, the cunt"

"He fucking won't look at me bird again, the cunt"

"That'll teach him to spill me pint, the cunt"

Sidcup Police were very surprised at the response to the recent gun amnesty, where a total of 4683 firearms were handed in at the station (which is open for a few hours every day to deal with document producers and lost pets), however a senior official stated "We are overjoyed by the response to our gun amnesty, unfortunately this leads us to the conclusion that the use of ashtrays is far more widely spread than we had first thought, and that this deadly weapon is gaining popularity with the masses. Ashtrays are now the second highest killer in Sidcup, just behind blood poisoning (caused by wearing huge amounts of cheap Gold jewellery from Swanley market).


Grazza from Sidcup writes:

"Get off me clair raynors before i knock your hampsteads right down your gregory"

"Get off my trainers before i knock your teeth down your neck"

The origin of ashtray throwing is in some dispite. Although the Sidcup massive continue to keep "the art" alive, its roots can be found in Essex. The traditional heavy glass ashtray thus being known as "the Romford throwing star". In times gone by hop pickers from "the other side" or "norf of the rivva" passed through Sidcup bringing the tradition with them. Ashtray throwing still continues to this day as a favorite passtime of the massive. I myself took out two dudes last friday night with a heavy glass ashtray. I must say it not only makes you feel good but it also gives comfort in the thought that you keep alive a strong tradition.


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