This page is dedicated to our friend Stu News who is currently missing in action. If you've seen him please let us now because we're very worried about him as he is a walking disaster and anything could have happened to him.


Best of NEWS

1. Stu gets beaten in Northampton

About a year ago from now...We, being Me, Chesson and Stu News took a trip up to Northampton for one of the World Champs. As you do, we skated, smoked and drank through the day. Freezing our asses off in that big fridge called Radlands. Any way worse for wear the evening comes and we head out with rough plans to meet people in that gothic looking building called "the dive" I cant remember what its actually called but the shittest club will do. Anyway we get in the thick of it and then Stu gets a real kicking. So much so that he doesn't look like Stu any more. His nose is bust and his face is like a sack of spuds... I get strangled by the bouncer and have a perfect handprint on my throat for 4 days after. So we travel to the hospital with this giggling bumpy bloody mess where we sit with him coming in and out of conciousness and requesting "I need a joint,man!". Any way the nurse wouldnt touch him so me and Dave was given towels and had to clean him ourselves. Which due to the amount of bleeding Stu had done took a while. So we finished, then the nurse came to put stitches in his chin and Stu awakes at this addition of pain to his cosy world and looks the nurse in the face and announces "I need apony maaannn" (pony, for any northerners, means pony and trap = crap.See cockney rhyming slang) This in my eyes was planned comedy genius with pinpoint timing. For me Stu desrves his own news column on this alone, except it would be a shame to waste many other news worthy items including a million draw stories! (story told by Mattimal)


Still to come:

It's natural innit

Double negatives

and many other priceless classics!


Here's some classic Stu sayings:

"So What?" this is not a question or even a response to a question, it is used as a way of starting a conversation.

"What's the beef" a special variation of rhyming slang as in beef stew = coup. This is also used as a way of starting a conversation.



I just recieved a Stu News update courtesy of Justin Dowling:

I usually can't remember what he's done, but the latest news is that he's growing some "phat" big bud skunk, and arguing with Al Morley like they were man and wife. Mind you, Al is a bitch, so I can't blame him.

Basically, Stu's life at the moment seems to be to act as an extension of my sister's will, her gimp if you like. Oh, and he failed his second year at uni. Otherwise, he's serving up too.


Our researchers have just unearthed this picture of Stu as a baby, even then his fate was innevitable.


20/5/2005: STU CLEANS UP HIS ACT: Stu has now just about finished Uni and is waiting to gain his degree in something Mutimedia or other, he also seems to have cut down on the weed and can nearly string together whole sentences. On a sad note I believe he has split up with his girlfriend , on the good side hopefully he won't spend too much time in Erith now.

5/6/2001: LATEST UPDATE: Stu has been spun by the filth and caught with all kinds of paraphernalia, he is currently awaiting a court hearing. Oh, and he's also managed to get a drink driving ban somewhere along the line.

24/11/2000: NEWS JUST IN: Stu is apparently driving round Erith in a stolen car that someone gave to him and earning a crust by serving up.


Stu joke:


Stu is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings. Picking up the call, he hears his bird's voice:

"Stu, I've just heard the traffic news and there's some idiot driving the wrong way on the M1 please be careful."

"So wot", says Stu, "it's not just one car ... there's fucking hundreds of them!"



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