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Basics to become a crap stand up comedian:- 1. So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory". 2. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". 3. So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". 4. But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 5. Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them. 6. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. 7. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". 8. You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. 9. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?". 10. So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". 11. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for aROMATIC duck". 12. But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. 13. Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. 14. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Jehoover's witness". 15. You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. 16. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". 17. So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepperpot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". 18. Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch. 19. And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. 20. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?". 21. So a lorryload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi get out! We don't want your type in here" A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" Dyslexic man walks into a bra THESE ARE EVEN WORSE I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. A threelegged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. GETTING WORSE STILL A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. BIG COMEDY FINALE A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you" Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. "Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in". "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turnup for the books." "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes,this is my livelihood." "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' Two peanuts walk into a bar One was asalted A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!" A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's crosseyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother HoChaChu. But I think it's Colin. I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
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