Rude Boys in da 'ouse

i was once sitting in glasgow train station near an old man. some of the 'young team' (ie evil looking young neds, aged about 8-14 dressed in poundstretcher trainers and stained tracksuits/football tops that smell like the inside of a church) started taking the piss out of the old man, as you would. anyway, the old man just growled at them -

"YER MA'S A WHOOORE AND YER OLD MAN SHAGS YE"

(which translates as 'your mother is engaged in The Oldest of Professions and your father regularly has sexual relations with you') also, what i can only prosume was 'rude bwoy' graffitti (as it was in the same 'tag script' as some other intelligible scrawlings, and illustrations of stick men figures sporting massive erections, smoking huge spliffs and brandishing semi automatic weapons) used to be in the toilet cubicle of a cafe in camden. it proclaimed -

"RIZZA JUS LAID A CABLE ON DA FLOOR HA HA FUCK YOU" (no punctuation)

also, it was good to be reminded of the appending of 'ya cunt' to the end of every sentence. everyone at school seemed to adopt this linguistic affection, only some people found it more difficult to 'drop' than others. i remember one of my mates, tommy sprunt ('ya cunt') trying to get into some shitey niteclub in stirling when we were about 16 and as the doormen evidently failed to be impressed by the 'failsafe' tactics of "always walking up to the club entrance smoking a fag and swinging some car keys you knicked out of a teacher's bag" (it not dawning on anyone at the time that smoking and driving being two things that are perfectly legal at 16) he asked for proof of age: "Proof of age? i haven't got any proof of age, ya cunt" "Sorry, not tonite, boys" "But im 18, ya cunt!!" "Look you're not getting in tonite. you've got the wrong attitude" "what you mean ive got the wrong attitude, ya cunt" "Listen just fuck off before you get a VIOLENCING" (a 'VIOLENCING' being another top expression i'd completely forgotten about till now! hey, class A !!!)

anyway, that's enough from me. better get back to that 'work' stuff. anyway, we used to have a family of jakeys (scottish for pikeys) living across the road from the house i grew up in so sometime ill send you some of the sights i witnessed in that house of horror! Oh, and the family business was an ice cream van and once they had a war with the other icey van man and blocked off our street and had a big pagger in the street and battered fuck out of the other guy's van. but that's another tale.

all the best and keep it up.

chico enrico

This is the best one I have been sent, I was in fucking tears! (thanks to James i think)

Howdy... ...when sitting at the back of a bus a few years ago, a bunch of rudebwoys got on and obviously perturbed that someone had already taken the liberty of lying across the back seat, one said:

NO NEED FOR STRETCH LEG AT BACK OF BUS...

...the offending person got off the next stop!

New one from a lady (I hope by the kisses at the end) by the name of Frances Overall:

I come from the Sham that's Lewisham.....anyway while out shopping one day with my seven year old nephew we bumped into a couple of his school pals ( baby rude boys) I had bought my nephew a new game for his playstation for his birthday...so he couldn't wait to show it to his baby rude boy school pals, upon displaying his goods, one little rude replied. " Rah man, das enough nang" ( translating to...Oh my gosh that's so cool) what I couldn't believe was the proud look on his mums face, that her little boy actually used the word " Nang" so there you have it boys your new rude boy term is "Nang" meaning all things good, cool or wicked.

All the best daddio's Fun Time Frankie xxx

This is a great story I got sent the other day that made me piss myself (thanks to Rob Sear)

Stranded in a famously pikey shopping centre in deepest Bromley: "u got twen' p mun?" Followed by an apologetic denial by my brother and I, and a series of further questions such as "u got 5 p" (lack of question mark denotes tone: a statement..our rude was a financial psychic, of course) and "you got 1p", illogically followed by "you got a poun'?", our rude boi works himself up into a rage, culminating in the threat: "I got Brockley waiting outside man, u betta gimme a poun'"

Whether this was a reference to a badger of some sort, or, more likely, a green vegetable which evidently had a terrifying effect on the young rude, we never knew. After running off to fetch the apparently nearby vegetable matter, he never returned. This was a few years ago, of course.

We can only trust and hope that he's out there on the streets of Bromley biggin' up da bus drivers and having pimp-like tendancies.

"A year ago i was on a train between catford and beckenham returning from a day at school. Half way through the journey about 10 ruuds who apparantly don't need any education spotted us, obviously their leader must have thought i was "cutting my eye at him" and took a seat next to me, taking the care to stamp on my leg as he stepped over me, what a hard nut. Clearly he wasn't in the mood for a friendly chat, oh no he wanted to "borrow" my phone, needless to say i didn't trust him, and politely told him that i did not own a mobile phone, when actually it was in my pocket and was fairly obvious, i'm hoping he didn't just think the lump was because i was glad to see him. Well he wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the box and resorted to threats to try and "borrow my phone", "u know if ya lying to me i can bang u in da face." This part confused me either i was going to be forced to give this young man a blow job or he was trying to tell me he was going to throw a punch at me. I decided to take a gamble and continue to deny owning a phone. At this point his slightly smarter friend pointed out to him that i wasn't exactly going to hand over my phone, suddenly sparky sitting next to me clicked and took my phone from my pocket exclaiming "he tried it, he tried it. U know u ain't gonna get dis back", this came as a surprise as i had assumed he was just going to ring his mum to inform her of his whereabout then return the phone to me. My friends and i stood up to leave, but apparantly the ruuds had different ideas, "keep em on da train", this irritated me i didn't want to stay on the train, a struggle ensued, in which my friend got a wet, pansy ass punch from one of the little 5 year old ruudy punks at the back of the gang. Unfortunatly i was behind the larger lads and was starting to get frustrated at the fact i was going to miss my stop, especially i would have gladly kicked the little ruuds arse had he not brought his whole inbred family with him. At this point a big fat weirdo train spotter stepped up, and the ruuds (all 10 of them) sat down like naughty little boys caught stealing from the cookie jar, very funny, unfortuantly i didn't get my phone back. Just a warning to all that no matter how weasely any ruud is when he comes bopping on the train with his upturned cap gang you can only hope a big fat train spotter is around to help you out."

Another classic:

Once when skating with some slightly younger kids, the local rudey crew bowled up and demanded "That 'ere Bruv"(too dangerous to make a coherent sentence).The littler sk8ers handed their boards over, allowing the rudes to go for a skate. Seeing one pussy out of rolling off a curb I started laughing only to be admonished by his brother with with the classic "You laughing at my bruv,bruv?ill fucking do you one" seeing that i was still smiling he said "ur too reckless for your own good bruv, ull fucking crash and burn".Scared shitless i gave up skating and now never leaver the house without carrying a knife and wearing a bullet proof vest in case a 12yr old with an attitude problem decides to ice me in the name of the bexley village crew.

A Mate of mine had been out for a few beers with a few people from work - men and women. At about 2 in the morning some of them were getting a McDonalds on the Strand when a group of rudes came along and walked up to the group of about 10 female colleagues... One of the rudes walked along the back of the line of girls ..turned to his boys as he slapped one of the girl's arses and said... "Shiiiiit...It's a rolllllover tonight"

This is a list of our favourite rude boy sayings (as overheard on London public transport)

These one's came through from a guy called Pete Mead who is obviously one bad brother.

Man's one shysty bredda! - That fellow is a little conspicuous to say the least!

'Old it up sta! (Hold it up sta) - Have a pleasent life until I see you next!

Man's been pressin' 'iz beans innit.... - The only respectable retort to the question 'I ain't seen you in time rudeboy, wha' you sayin'?

'I jus' been plottin' at my yard innit? - A rhetorical question pertaining to activities one may have taken part in recently in ones house. In this case 'plottin'' or rather, relaxing, thinking, being bored.....etc

'...come 'llow me a dollar rudeboy....' - Please would you lend me some money, knowing full well I'll never give it back.

How could we forget a word as important as RASS and its many RASS uses.

1. RASS is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement... tekki back 2RASS! ....Gimme back 2RASS!

2. RASS can be used in biology eg.....Look pan di gal RASS!

3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles cover yu RASS!

4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances.... me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly RASS! move yu RASS from mi!

5. It can describe extreme pain.... it hot nuh RASS! granny gi me some RASS lick!

6. It can describe size.....yuh foot dem big nuh RASS!

As you can see RASS is the Jamaican all-purpose word. Use it as often as yu RASS feel.

Greeting......How de RASS yu do!

Fraud.........Yu too RASS tief!

Dismay........RASS!

Trouble.......Oh RASS!

Aggression....Watch yu RASS self!

Disgust.......Cho RASS!

Confusion.....Wha di RASS a gwaan!

Incompetence..A wha di RASS yu a do?!

Lost..........Whe di RASS we deh!

Pleasure......it nice nuh RASS!

Retaliation...Yu RASS-claat...And of course..kiss mi RASS!